Lost in a Vision

Greetings from Afar

2004-07-23T08:34:32Z

This is a new beginning for me, so I believe this calls for a new livejournal. Please add crazyhippielady to your friends list. That's me now

I decided to pretty much cut myself off from everyone back home until I get settled in completely. Leaving was harder than I expected; it didn't really hit me until I actually walked out of my house with my suitcases. So I am making things easier and trying not to get caught up in missing people...because when I miss people, settling in doesn't happen (example: first two colleges/semesters). Anyways, I still love you guys dearly, and pretty soon I will be back on aim and all that good stuff. Now go to my new lj!!

Bustin Outta Here TOMORROW

2004-07-12T08:44:49Z

All right folks, I'm leaving tomorrow (tuesday) afternoon around 4pm. So tonight, (monday), I am welcoming all of you crazy friends of mine to please come over and hang out because I want to see you before I leave! Anytime after 8pm is great, and feel free to drop by later as well (we'll probably be chillin until midnightish or so, maybe later than that). We can put on a movie or something and I will also be selling a bunch of clothes and random things for real cheap if you wanna check that out too! Let me know if you can make it, or just come if you want. I love you all and I hope I see you tonight! =D

findingrosie @ 2004-07-11T08:22:00

2004-07-11T12:30:16Z

"But when the kindness and love of God our savior appeared, He saved us, not because of righteous things we had done, but because of His mercy."
-Titus 3:4-5

Lord I ask only that my brokenness and my mess ups do not hinder those who don't know You from coming to You. This is by far my worst fear, and I pray that I might have the chance to make things right. To be an instrument of Your glory and truth and salvation. Father wash me clean and make me whole again; bring me back to You once more. I ask these things in Christ's precious name.

Disjointed Rantings of love and hate and PMS

2004-07-09T05:27:06Z

My friends have let me down.

My family has let me down.

I have let them down too.

I have let God down.

He has never let me down.

He still loves me

And I still love my family and my friends

So much.

And they still love me

So much.

The biggest lie anyone could ever be told is that he is not loved.

The funny thing is, if you want to believe it, it’s pretty darn easy to.

Just look at your parents who are always disappointed in you. Your best friend who never calls you. Your ex boyfriend who dumped you because he got bored.

Don’t buy it. Don’t buy it; because love is deep, and sometimes it gets lost beneath anger or pain or selfish ambition. But that doesn’t mean it’s gone. Love gets lost, but it doesn’t die. God is love. God is eternal. Love is eternal. When you tell yourself that you are not loved based on what shows on the surface, you will confirm your suspicions.

I am not saying that love shouldn’t show on the surface. In a perfect world it would. I believe that in heaven, it does. But on earth it gets buried. Sometimes really deep.

This past weekend, spent on Pine Island in the 1000 islands, there was buried love that resurfaced in places that I did not expect. It resurfaced in friends whom I have lost faith in; in friends I never knew I had. This vacation did not occur as I had imagined it or as I had hoped for. But I am glad to have had it. I was shown a great deal. Largely because I had a bad cold, I spent a lot of time by myself. A lot of time thinking, watching, and listening. I’ve concluded that I love all of my friends unconditionally, but I cannot trust in all of them to be there for me. Some of them are very ignorant. Some of them are naïve. Some are immature, some are conceited, some are selfish. They are imperfect, as am I. Sometimes their imperfections hurt me, and vice versa. I am realizing that when their imperfections do hurt me, I need to detach myself. I am learning to love myself enough to do that. I don’t deserve to be hurt by people that I care about and people that should care about me too. I will detach myself from those who look down on me, who don’t respect my views, and who take advantage of my loyalty.

I hate it when people offer support and encouragement in order to fulfill their need to be needed. In order to feel good about themselves. Out of a sense of “Christian” obligation. Unless you really love me, I don’t want it.

I’m so PMSing right now. But I have to get these things off my chest.

I hate it when people don’t think I’m smart just because I ask questions.

I also hate it when people try to answer every single question that I ask. I think sometimes I ask questions just in hopes that I will hear someone say, “yeah, I’ve always wondered that too”.

I hate it when people put God into a little box and tell you that you’re a bad Christian because you don’t fit the mold that they’ve fabricated in their heads.

I love it when people are honest about their flaws. And I’m not referring to the times when people put themselves down just to hear someone tell them they wrong, as in: “I’m sooo fat.” “What are you talking about? You’re beautiful!”.

Not that. Actually, let’s add those kinds of comments to my hate list. And yes, I am very often guilty of acting in ways that I truly despise. Anyways, I’m talking about when people open up and really expose themselves and look their imperfections in the face and say “this is me”. Because really, what are we trying to hide? Usually whatever it is can't be hidden anyways. Just be real. And if people don't respect it when you are, they are not worth your time or effort.

On a final note, I leave you with my new favorite verse:

“The only thing that counts is faith expressing itself through love”

-Galatians 5:6b

Matters of Business

2004-07-07T04:26:04Z

To officially inform everyone, I am leaving for California next tuesday, the 13th. My decision to go so soon has been very hard, but it is something I've realized I have to do. I need to use the rest of this gift of time called summer to start repairing myself. If you don't know what I'm talking about, think real hard. If you still don't know, maybe someday I'll tell you.

I may stay in LA for my fall semester and attend Santa Monica College. I am already enrolled. What I truly want is to return to Houghton. I don't feel like explaining why right now. Basically I realized how much I had there that I took for granted. If financial aid comes through for me, I will come back from LA on August 12th. If not I'll be home for Christmas.

Much more updating soon to come, but right now I'm fried. Goodnight my loves

findingrosie @ 2004-06-26T09:15:00

2004-06-26T13:22:14Z

Psalm 31-22:

In my alarm I said,
"I am cut off from your sight!"
Yet you heard my cry for mercy
when I called to you for help.

Father, I ask only for forgiveness

findingrosie @ 2004-06-21T23:26:00

2004-06-22T03:45:25Z

The show at One Way was a good time. I didn't really even feel like I was performing because everyone there was a good friend. It was nice. At the same time I was strangely upset by the atmosphere made by my friends there. Now, no one did anything wrong...it's just that I feel like whenever I play for people, the reaction is always, "Oh wow, you wrote that yourself?" or something to that degree. For once I wish people would tell me, "I really liked that song, could you play it again?" I don't know if the difference between those two comments is apparent, but to me it is huge. It's like people are just so surprised that I am actually a capable musician...either that or they're skeptical that I'm a capable musician, and they get caught up in that. I wish I could write music that people enjoy. Not music that sounds pretty and people tell me "good job" for. And seriously I'm not trying to make anyone feel guilty or anything...it's my own shortcoming and it just makes me sad. I think I'm also overreacting. Lately I feel like I've had pms that does go away. I'm so emotional for no reason...mostly upset emotional and I don't know why. I don't like this. I like being happy. One of my pet peeves is people that wallow in self pity. Now I feel like I'm guilty of it myself but it's like I'm stuck. I don't know what the deal is. blah. Maybe I just need more sleep.

Just a Reminder

2004-06-18T00:59:35Z

Tomorrow night: COME TO ONE WAY CAFE at 8pm

I am playing.

I am amazing. You will be amazed.

Not really, but come anyways. I will love you.

I will still love you if you don't come...but not as much.

Today I had a delivery in the boonies of Churchvile and they had a really scary pet peacock. I barely survived.

A boy I work with gave me his phone number yesterday. I've never talked to him before. It was so random. That has never happened to me. It made my day =)

So today I gave a very cute boy at wegmans my phone number. I thought I'd keep the trend going. He won't call me, but it was fun anyways. yay for craziness

findingrosie @ 2004-06-14T01:59:00

2004-06-14T06:05:38Z

I live with my mom and my grandparents
The love we show one another is no deeper than that of obligation.
If I didn't know better, I would honestly think they hated me
I am suffocating in this place
I don't know how I am going to make it through the summer
Anyone have a spare bedroom?

findingrosie @ 2004-06-12T22:38:00

2004-06-13T02:48:57Z

This coming friday, June 18th, One Way Cafe, come see me play! Spread the word and tell people too so I'm not singin my heart out to empty tables, k? I really hope to see y'all there =)

I got my nose pierced today. It was very very scary. And it hurt kind of a lot...at least I thought so. But I like it now. I'm glad I did it. I feel like such a rebel, tee hee

I am in love with Harry Potter from Harry Potter. I really don't care if he's like 12 years old. He's the cutest ever. Oh and what a good movie

Now I must practice my guitar like a madwoman

findingrosie @ 2004-06-08T04:33:00

2004-06-08T08:38:10Z

I've decided I am going to try to get into Eastman for music ed/french horn next year after LA. So I was looking at their website, and I found this lovely statistic

"Approximately 2,000 applications are received each year, and about 145 freshmen and 125 graduate students are enrolled."

holy crudmuffins

hello practicing my life away

but I'm gonna do it man

findingrosie @ 2004-06-07T01:44:00

2004-06-07T06:13:25Z

this world is so darn big. And somehow I feel like such a vital part of its being. I think about how as I'm typing this, someone else is taking in his last breathe...someone else is being born...someone else is getting married...someone else is waking up...someone else is starving...someone else is being raped...someone else is writing a book...someone else is sleeping on a sidewalk...someone else is having her first kiss...someone else is playing in the rain...someone else is sitting in an igloo...and someone else is writing in her livejournal too. Once in awhile I take a step back and try to see things in perspective; to take a step outside of my own skin and experience reality without bias. Doing this makes me wonder how I can be sure of anything. Does having faith limit your capacity to learn? Is it simply a fear of misconception? So many people believe so many different things, and for so long I've held tightly to a single narrow viewpoint without giving any consideration to the others. Yes, I believe there is one truth, and it is not subjective. But at the same time, I feel as if I have found it too easily...so easily that in fact its value to me is little. In psychology this past semester we learned about how our minds are sort of "selectively permeable". There is so much information coming at us at the same time that we subconsciously choose the information we take in and the information we ignore. What if faith simply is a guide for that decision? That would mean that if there was substantial evidence against our faith, we would block it out anyways. If that's the case, how can we be sure of anything? I don't think I am anymore.

findingrosie @ 2004-06-02T00:06:00

2004-06-02T04:13:56Z

I am in dire need of a crazy adventure. The mediocrity of my life is driving me nuts. I want to do something spontaneous and insane and fun, like sneak out at 2am and sleep under the stars somewhere, or go swimming in the fountain at the mall. Is there anyone else that wants to join me in a little craziness? And if so, any ideas? Come along friends, let us carpe diem!!

Also, I've come to the conclusion that Even Stevens is the best show EVER

findingrosie @ 2004-05-30T00:44:00

2004-05-30T04:48:28Z

Miracle of miracles; I got a JOB. But not just any job, the best job EVER. I am the delivery girl for a little florist shop in Chili (it's in the blockbuster/Bill Gray's plaza). Basically I drive around town and deliver flowers to people. So no angry customers, no standing around scanning things, just cruisin around in the company's groovy gray van, getting to be a small part of brightening people's days. My hours are weekdays 11-4ish. How much more perfect could this be? I'm so happy. Money is a wonderful thing. Now I just have to stop my frivolous spending...I must NOT go to the mall. Nope. Won't do it. Well...yeah I will. hehe. I love new clothes.

Just about everyone is home from school now. I can't begin to express the joy of being surrounded by all the people I know so well and love so much. I am trying to ignore the lingering shadow of summer's end taking me away from them once again. This time we do have I will cherish so deeply.

One Way cafe was a good time tonight. I can't believe how gifted my friends are. Amazing.

I actually am playing my own show there on June 18. Y'all are welcome to come =)

I think there's something wrong with my hormones. I like, wanted to kiss every boy I talked to tonight. Well, not every boy. But quite a few. I wonder if they could tell. I hope not. Or maybe I do.

The most beautiful song lyrics I have ever heard

2004-05-26T03:54:59Z

It's the season of grace coming out of the void
Where man is saved by a voice in the distance

It's the season of possible miracle cures
Where hope is currency
And death is not the last unknown
Time begins to fade
Age is welcome home

It's the season of eyes meeting over the noise
And holding fast with sharp realization
It's the season of cold making warmth a divine intervention
You are safe here

Don't forget;
Don't forget I love you

It's the season of scars and of wounds in the heart
Of feeling the full weight of our burdens
It's the season of bowing our heads in the wind

And knowing that we are not alone in fear
Not alone in the dark

Don't forget;
Don't forget I love you

- Vienna Teng

findingrosie @ 2004-05-24T02:00:00

2004-05-24T06:26:44Z

This is the tattoo I think I'm going to get between my shoulder blades. It will be just the tree and the roots...not the whole circle. Oh and notice the music sign in the roots, that's the coolest part. What does y'all think?

I Realized

2004-05-21T05:34:17Z

I ran away because I feared finding what I've always been looking for
I found you before I found myself
So I didn't know; I didn't see what you meant to me.
I was blinded by my wayward attractions and uncompromising doubts
I pray that I haven't lost you yet.
I haven't seen you or spoken to you in months
But our memories linger so clearly in my mind
As if I'd never left
Tell me it's not too late to start again

findingrosie @ 2004-05-20T13:01:00

2004-05-20T17:05:31Z

"Don't be misled. Remember that you can't ignore God and get away with it. You will always reap what you sow! Those who live only to satisfy their own sinful desires will harvest the consequences of decay and death. But those who live to please the Spirit will harvest everlasting life from the Spirit. So don't get tired of doing what is good. Don't get discouraged and give up, for we will reap a harvest of blessing at the appropriate time. Whenever we have the opportunity, we should do good to everyone, especially to our Christian brothers and sisters.

Galatians 6:7-10

Arghhhhhh

2004-05-18T17:16:56Z

I've never had alcohol before in my life. Spending an entire semester at Geneseo, I've considered this quite an accomplishment. Not one drink. So I was telling Peter that even though this is true, I am curious. Very curious as to why people like drinking so much. What it feels like. So he asks me, do you want to try some. So like an idiot I say, ummmm well I'm curious so ok and we're at his house so I felt safe and everything. So I drank some vodka. And it tasted like crudmuffins and I didn't feel anything. So I drank some more because I just wanted to have some idea what it feels like. And apparently vodka takes a little while to kick in. And by the time it did, I had had a lot, and I was definitely drunk, and I defintely got sick and it was so awful and now i really don't understand why people like getting drunk because I absolutely HATED it. I admit at first it was kind of fun because everythign was really funny but that didn't last too long. Aw man, I'm so dumb. Sooo dumb! I'm so disappointed in myself. But at the same time, I'm glad I know. I'm glad I know that I'm not missing out on anything. I still regret it though. Oi. So dumb.

findingrosie @ 2004-05-15T02:07:00

2004-05-15T06:10:57Z

Father, I am broken
You know that I am.
You see through my songs, through my smile
Through my tears, through my words.
I don't know what makes me think I can hide from You.
Well, here I am. In all of my nakedness.
Here I am Father.
Make me beautiful.
Make me whole.

findingrosie @ 2004-05-13T12:48:00

2004-05-13T17:01:28Z

"But whatever happens to me, you must live in a manner worthy of the Good News about Christ, as citizens of heaven. Then, whether I come and see you again or only hear about you, I will know that you are standing side by side, fighting together for the Good News. Don't be intimidated by your enemies. This will be a sign to them that they are going to be destroyed, but that you are going to be saved, even by God himself. For you have been given not only the priviledge of trusting in Christ but also the priviledge of suffering for him. We are in this fight together."

- Romans 1:27-30a

Through this passage, I was boldy reminded (pun intended) of some things that sadly I have forgotten

1. My citizenship.

2. What an incredible honor it is to serve the Lord and suffer for Him, and I don't understand why this honor has been given to me. All I know is that I don't deserve it, and that I must cling to it and cherish it for all my life.

3. I am never, ever alone. Never

Thank you Jesus, for giving me a family that I can truly belong to.

findingrosie @ 2004-05-11T18:59:00

2004-05-11T23:01:35Z

All right people; Return of the King is currently playing at Movies 10. Is there anyone who's home who would like to go with me perhaps tomorrow? It's showing at 4pm and 8pm. It's the most amazing movie ever and it's only $1 and I'm really cool! What more could you ask for?

findingrosie @ 2004-05-11T03:16:00

2004-05-11T07:41:44Z

She found a quiet place
And placed the blade down gently
A warrior of anonymous loyalty
She feared her every step

A clouded recollection
Of yesterday's purpose
Tried to swallow the chasm
Forged in secrecy
As words of promise escaped
From her sunburned lips

Blame it on the demons
Feasting on your black heart
She was just a victim
Her cries for help uncarried by
Such winds that fail the sailors

So she goes
Crying everyone else's tears
And wondering how the walls
Once tall and proud and white
Now lay in heaps of crumbled stone
Her refuge gone, she stands exposed

Idea usurped from Alexis...and revised

2004-05-09T06:38:26Z

All right, I want brutal and relentless honesty. Don't worry, I can take it. Let's see what you've got

1. How did we meet, and what was your first impression?

2. What is your favorite memory you've shared with me?

3. Who should I marry?

4. What career can you picture me in?

5. What is my best quality?

6. What is my worst quality?

7. Should I get my nosed pierced?

8. Define me in one word

9. Is there anything I can do, or anything I should keep doing, to be a better friend to you?

findingrosie @ 2004-05-07T01:30:00

2004-05-07T05:55:34Z

One night I saw us dancing in the clouds
As my old worn running shoes hit the pavement
In perfect rhythm to the song that we sung
12am is not the proper time to go for a run
There are rustling leaves
And shadows paint the empty parking lot
Am I wrong to be not afraid?

We see the face of light
Our knees give way; we taste the ground
With open eyes still on the ground
Beneath an earthly sky
How can morning still shine bright
If midnight runs reveal the Son?